||[Jan. 31st, 2012|11:17 pm]
I've been distracting myself with Victorian porn magazines; which|
(I have discovered) contain stories and serials pretty similar modern porn - both in content and vocabulary, which surpised me, bar the occaisional line like 'The red head of "Cupid's Battering Ram" was now brought to the charge' - as well as homourous anecdotes, supposed 'real-life' stories and lots of poetry. I never knew the Victorians used the word fucktious! Quite remarkable. Also, it seems to be a trope that virgins faint or swoon the first time they have sex, overcome by the pain. Yay Victorians.
A pet monkey who had watched his mistress fill her dildoe with cream, waited a
chance when she had ceased using it, being called away for a few minutes. "Now," said
he, "I will have my fill of cream," so he sucked away, but unfortunately the lady had
contracted syphilis, and the monkey died in convulsions. The moral of this fable is, that
you should never suck dildoes.
CHARACTERS OF HUSBANDS.
If a husband came home and found his wife being had by another man, what would he
That depends on his disposition.
The Polite husband would beg him not to draw until he'd spent.
The Considerate husband would offer soap, towel, and warm water, as soon as he drew.
The Funny husband would cry "Boh!" and tickle his arse with a feather.
The Good-Natured husband would remark that he liked buttered buns.
The Ceremonious husband would wait for an introduction.
The Just husband would sneer at the size of his balls.
The Modest husband would think his balls looked larger than his own.
The Refined husband would pull his shirt over his bottom.
The Cautious husband, with a large family, would ask if he had on a French Letter, and if
not, request him to spend outside.
The Jealous husband would be annoyed, although he had on a French Letter.
The Suspicious husband would make his wife wash afterwards.
The Excitable husband would begin to frig himself.
The Shy husband would blush and walk away.
The Avaricious husband would want to charge for it.
The Mean husband would look to see if he'd used his cold cream.
The Epicurean husband would gamahuche his wife immediately afterwards.
The Conscientious husband would fear that he had neglected his wife.
The Cynical husband would be surprised that anyone should care to fuck his wife.
The Prompt husband would be up his arse before he could say, "Jack Robinson."
The moral of this fable is, that you should never suck dildoes.
This is wonderful. Oh, Victorians. So hilarious.
It's the filling it with cream that I can't quite get my head around - it happened in another story with dildoes (or "godemiches") as well.
I imagine it's so it can feel like semen, assuming the dildo has some sort of squirting function (why am I writing this, why?). I can't say why one would want this, though, or why one would use cream, of all things. :/
I assumed at first that it was some kind of gel or cold cream, but the fact that the monkey wants to drink it suggests actual dairy cream. Arrg.
DO NOT WANT. I would not make a very good Victorian.
On one hand, hurrah for sex-positive Victorian ladies, on the other, serious DO NOT WANT.